All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school: TOEFL Independent Writing Task
Essay Theme
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. Use specific reasons to support your answer.
Essay
[A] Music and Arts have been part of educational programs or curriculums of schools (Put the background or common belief, and then express your opinion). In my opinion, I strongly believe that all students should be required to study art and music in secondary school for following two reasons.
First of all, understanding arts make our life lives better. ( = ambiguous => First, understanding arts can be a source of countless inspiration to make our lives better) Today, there are a lot of museums, and we can go to visit the museums with ease easily. Of course just watching viewing ( The word "watch" is used for "watching TV or movies") art or hearing music give us good intense/ inspirational/ lively feeling. But if we know a little bit backgrounds about them, we would make our life lives more fertile abundantly productive through art and music. [B] For instance, the Symphony No. 5 was written by Ludwig van Beethoven and is a very impressive music, a lot of people would be fascinated less more than once in their life lives. If people know knew Beethoven's background that he Beethoven was deaf, they would feel the purpose of life rather than just listen to the beautiful melody from a sound of the Symphony No. 5. Even after listening this music, the impression would keep would be kept in their hearts deeply and change their value views of life.
Additionally, we have a lot of opportunities in our job which is required artistical sense. As you know, now a days nowadays, a lot of items around our life us are designed well, such as furniture, clothes and electronic devices. It's not too much to say that we cannot easily sell undesigned poorly designed items a lot. For example, iPhone and iMac which Apple, Inc. produced are produced by Apple, Inc. has been sold well, even though both celler phone and personal computer market are very competitive among companies despite the competitive market of cellular phones and personal computers. It is said that the main reason of for this is because these products are designed well definitively comparing with compared to the products other companies launching launched before. So With this in mind, people who engage in business is strongly required the sense of art.
In conclusion, students in junior high school should study art and music not only to make their life fertile lives productive but also to success succeed in their business careers.
補足
rarejob で TOEFL iBT の Writing を添削してもらいました。だいたい 25分 x 2コマ で 1 essay が完了します。
依頼するときに黙々と添削だけが進むのかなという恐怖感があったけど、そうでもない感じだった。１人目のチューターは、ゆっくりだけど、常に質問を投げかけ Speaking の機会を作るよう心がけてくれた。例えば、どういう意図でこの文章を書いたのか等（たぶんチューターは知っているけど聞いてくれた気がする）。２人目のチューターは、はやいけど、添削を優先という感じだった。いまの段階、自分にとっては前者のような人を探すのがいいのかな。
自分の書いた Essay について言えば、単数と複数の選択でミス多い。あと、compared to, listen to 基本的な表現が書けてないとか。この２点は、なるべく早い段階で修正をかけていきたい。
あとWritingとは関係ないけど、自己紹介をする機会が多いから、あらかじめ自己紹介の文章を作ったけど、それを読み上げるだけになっているのもどうかなと思う。相手に聞き返すように心がけておかないといけないと感じる。基本、会話する力に乏しいから、自己紹介するタイミングで、Speaking する機会を獲得するようにしておかないと、本当にテキストに沿うだけの形になってしまう。
